The Great Marketing Campaign of the 21st Century

Recently I logged onto Twitter from our miserable laptops here at school to find some inspiration for a blog topic. I was just about to hit "Enter" and it was then that it caught my eye. Now, I am no Twitter newbie as I've amassed hundreds of tweets and logged in many times, but it was only in this instant that I truly took into account the websites homepage. I believe that some time ago, perhaps months, Twitter changed its homepage from the bright sky blue tweety birds to a more modern and "hip" layout. What I didn't realize until now was the picture they chose to represent their franchise. Something to capture the essence of our modern internet age of instant access and social media. What the marketing wizards at Twitter so ingeniously decided on was the image of four Indian men, presumably in their late 20s early 30s, playing a game of cricket outside in a field with the silhouette of a mosque dissolving into the sunset.

Now, I understand the purpose that this was intended to serve, representative of a global online community and how Twitter is a great big international company, but really? Basically their marketing scheme encompasses using completely random photos of humble photos of citizens from across the globe, whether they be farmers harvesting in a Chinese rice patty, young Brazilian children playing soccer in an abandoned field, or the young men of India out to get some exercise in the waining moments of sunlight before iftar can be held. But honestly, how far can they take this?? At a certain point, I feel that this technique absolutely looses all effectiveness and becomes random and seemingly arbitrary. Also, another question that was raised in my mind when I saw this picture was why the hell was it taken? Was it captured specifically for the purpose of Twitter's homepage or did one of these Indian men just happen to have a high-resolution, professional camera and say, "Hey, this would make a great photo shoot!"????

I don't think we'll ever find out, but regardless, this whole thing is just silly. Honestly, the more I've thought about it, the more I start to actually like it. I mean, it's kind of funny. Now, instead of criticizing the stupidity of these attempts to somehow identify *insert company name here* with a global community, I actually find myself entertained by how obscure these pictures become.

Big Ol' Crazy Concepts

I have a lot of time to think to myself during the course of a day. Sometimes I maybe should be listening to other people, but clearly I’m far more interesting. Throughout my sporadic thoughts wander many, many questions. Some, I think, are pretty good. Why don’t l raise a few right now?

What occurs to me as incredibly interesting is the fact that all of our conscious, and unconscious, thought is completely driven by electrical impulses. When you really think about it, it’s pretty astonishing. All of our emotions what we hold so personal and central to the human experience are nothing more than the triggering of a multitude of tiny neurons. It is mind boggling to think about all of the wonders of our mind, but what this got me wondering about is if there is anything more to our brains than what we already know about white and grey matter and etc. Of course I don’t know everything about neuroscience and the biology of the mind but I feel that I have a pretty good understanding, at least enough to make this inquiry. Part of me truly thinks that there may be something more to our minds, maybe there’s a spiritual element to our thought, but more or less I am simply dumbfounded by the idea that all of our thoughts are, basically, electrical impulses. It honestly just seems impossible. I guess that’s one of the failures of our great minds, the incapability to grasp certain concepts, which, conveniently, is my next fascination.

Our minds are incredible structures. Humans, by far, are the most intelligent beings, as we know. But we will never be able to grasp concepts like infinity. Our earth is billions of years old. Maybe it’s a bold statement to say that nobody can completely understand just how long that is but I am positive that I can’t. We live relatively short lives. Extremely short lives compared to the infinite amount of time that has and will continue to exist. Gee what a coincidence! I was just going about to talk about time, see the next paragraph for more on this intriguing subject.

Time is yet another concept that people have created for themselves to solidify an abstract concept. What is incredible about time is that it could have really never “began.” For something to begin there has to have been something, some period before it that supersedes its existence. In the instance of time, there can’t have been anything that happened before it. It is the ultimate measure; the one thing that we know to always remain constant and yet has there or will there ever be a time without time?? Also, on the topic of abstract topics, let’s discuss space. Like all of it. And the big bang. I have never read anything on it but let’s be honest, the big bang theory just sounds like a bit of a stretch.

That is unfortunately all I can retract from my brain at the moment, but I assure you Dr. Ayers, assuming you are the only person following my blog, that there will be more things in this category for me to blog about in the future. Goodbye, mortals.

The Carlton

Music is a great thing. It's crazy how it can change your mood almost instantly. One moment you may be drowsy and apathetic while you write your essay and, out of nowhere, your iTunes shuffles to some Hall & Oates. Immediately, you feel energized and snap out of this miserable mood. For a moment, you quit writing and just start singing along with You Make My Dreams Come True and in that moment nothing else matters. All inhibitions disappear as you begin dancing in your seat, swaying from side to side, snapping and smiling all of the way as the music continues to blare. Perhaps this can solidify the picture in your mind:

You keep this up until the end of the song, although Carlton was unfortunately cut off, and iTunes shuffles along to some distorted, perverted Odd Future song and the mood is gone. You go back to work where you left off writing your essay.

All-State Part 3: Closing Ceremonies

It was finally time for us to go out and perform. I felt that we were ready, but we needed a good draw. Before I knew it, the room chair had ushered us over and we were drawing our situations. I didn't fuddle around at all with the small slips of paper, I distinctively chose one. Before even I could read it Shane decided that my situation would be our performance.

"You drank too much coffee." That was what we had to work with. Immediately, Andrew suggested that Shane be a man who comes into a coffee shop and, successively over the period of three days, becomes more and more addicted until he is hooked and jittery. We agree that Andrew will be a barista and I a snobby, coffee shop, hipster writer. I then say that we should have an intervention for him after the third day. We decide that I would change characters to a doctor who can help Shane we would use breathing exercises and shock therapy to snap Shane back into normality. Just wait, it gets better. Finally, the ending we came up with involved Shane coming in 6 months later and Andrew asking, "Oh, so are you off coffee now?" and Shane responding, "Nope, just decaf!" Hilarious. I know.

The improv went over great. The crowd loved it and and was fun to perform. The best feeling, throughout the day, wasn't the compliments that we got from friends or relatives, but the random compliments throughout the hallways. It really gave a lot of confidence going into the closing ceremonies that we got so many "warm fuzzies" during the course of the day.

I'm just going to skip the rest of the day until the closing ceremonies, aside from one notable performance I'd like to mention. I can't remember the name exactly but a good friend of mine from Fairfield was in one of the most beautiful group mimes I've ever seen. Now, it should be said that I haven't seen many group mimes but his was so much different from anything I've seen. All of their movements were interchanging and inventive and the whole performance had a flow and rhythm to it like no other. It was incredible.

Let's not waste anymore time with gibber jabber, and get to right to the point of this blog series. The closing ceremonies had finally arrived and I was very anxious. Andrew was up on stage with the banner, as were all of last years winners, I was in the crowd, yet Shane, unfortunately, could not be there with us due to a show choir competition. Then they did the most awful thing they could have ever done while we were awaiting the announcement of the banners. They individually announced every group from every school that made it to All-State and handed out medals. With around one hundred schools and an even more vast number of groups that made it, performing and non-performing, this part of the evening easily consumed twenty minutes. All the while I was tensed in my chair, my stomach in a knot just waiting for them to begin calling the banners.

After all the heart-wrenching waiting, they finally began. With each banner that was called came a roar of applause from the crowd and a standing ovation by the two hard-core speech schools, which I can't remember their names. The winning group and school would then jump up, all exited to have won, giving hugs around and screaming, some crying, in joy. Then, after approximately eight of these celebrations, the improv judge was called to the podium. I swear, while he was giving the introduction to his decision, time froze. I forgot about the massive auditorium around me and the thousands of people in it. As he made a comment about making sure he got the right name, my heart skipped a beat (Kennedy sent two improv groups to All-State). And, finally, he called it. "Our winner this year for improvisational acting goes to.... Group Hanzelka from Cedar Rapids Kennedy!" The entire place went into an uproar once again as I leaped from out of my seat, running straight to Mrs. Osborn for a celebratory embrace. She was so exited it felt as though for a moment that she was going to bring me onto stage with her. She ran up onstage where Andrew was freaking out next to the banner himself and they too shared a moment.

From there, the rest is history. I impatiently waited for the last few events to be called so that I could race up to stage and bask in the glory of our prize. When the ceremonies were over I ran up to Andrew and Mrs. Osborn and we all hugged and it was glorious. From there, the texting and calling of relatives and friends alike began. We were told that Shane was freaking out at his show choir competition and Henna announced the good news to everyone that could hear her. The smile that first appeared on my face from the moment our banner was called didn't leave me for quite some time, and the joy that it brought me still hasn't. Not only was that one of the happiest days of my life, but I gained and learned a lot from it. The most important thing that I took from it was to always be happy. That banner gave me so much joy and I probably had so many endorphins rushing around inside of me that I thought to myself, "Why can't I always be this happy?" Obviously I probably can't maintain this kind of high, but I can always try.

Also, suck it Roberta.

All-State Part 2: Building Suspense!

After making awkward conversation with Tyler and discussing whatever random factoids Gibbs had to offer, our shuttle finally arrived. We all unloaded our things from the bus and hopped on a crammed, little space for the next thirty or so minutes. Although there wasn't much room, that isn't to say that it wasn't a fun ride. Tyler did a good job of confusing the shit out of our driver and his assistant. By talking about a hypothetical chainsaw-bottle-opener he completely lost them in conversation leaving both distraught by the end of the ride.

When we finally arrived in Ames I rushed immediately to the main building in hopes of seeing Assassins, the musical theatre group that left us behind, but I was only able to catch the last three notes of their performance on a projector screen. Now, it was time to start gearing up for improv; the whole reason I was there. I won't get into any of the technical details of my wardrobe change other than where it took place. The only thing I want to say about this is that the bathrooms at ISU are actually pretty amazing. I don't know if this some form of treason saying as I'm an Iowa fan but honestly, they were great. The doors were two-parted swinging doors like what you would see in a western film and once you got into the stall the toilet was like three feet high, my feet were barely touching the ground. Other than that they had some weird looking urinals and the rest was pretty ordinary but I though the stalls were awesome nonetheless.

Lets skip ahead a few hours, about thirty minutes before we performed. We found a warm up room shared by what looked to be a musical theatre group. As usual we planned a few improvs that all seemed to bear some potential. I knew that today our key to success was to make Shane our star. I know that he's a very modest guy, but he is also easily the rock of our group. There's just something about him, whether it be his innocence, wacky-ness or just overall likability the crowd just eats up everything he throws out.

Right before we walked into the room where our crowd and judge would watch us perform, we snuck into an empty warm-up room and had a moment. I cannot discuss what happened there in the 5-10 minutes before our performance but I might add that it was a very special bonding time that solidified our team work and was the driving factor behind our improv.

-see next post for the improv of your lives!!

All-State Part 1: The Bus from Hell

This weekend, Shane Neilson, Andrew Hanzelka and I won the All-State Speech banner for Improvisational Acting. It was great. I will describe the glorious day.

Early in the morning I awoke as always on the dawns of speech competitions. But this day was different. Today was the last group speech competition of the year. It was the pinnacle of Iowa speech; it was All-State. Unfortunately my one act play, which had all the potential to get there, had fallen flat at state but somehow did make non-performing. Although I was bummed about that, I was still performing in improv and that was what mattered to me. You see, Shane, Andrew and Chase had won the year before and now it was up to us to bring the banner back to Kennedy by the end of the day. Any who, I got ready and drove to the horseshoe at Kennedy where we would board the bus. 

Once on the road, I conversed some with Tanner and Shane, making pleasant conversation and joking around. We then all proceeded to take a roughly forty-five minute nap. When we awoke there was some commotion at the front of the bus where Diane was talking in a panicked tone with our bus driver. Apparently we had taken a misguided route and were redirecting for Ames, where the whole competition would be taking place. It was unfortunate and we were on schedule to miss the opening ceremonies now, but we all shrugged it off an went back to talking. After another fifteen minutes or so of driving and nezzling with Shane, I heard a sound like compressed air was being released and the bus had started to slow. We stopped at the side of the road with a busted radiator. It looked like our day was going to become a little more complicated yet.

See, because our drama department apparently gets zero funding Kennedy was the only school to drive up the morning of and not stay the night before. So we pulled over to a nearby Kum & Go, which I still believe to be a provocative name. After frantically arranging rides somebodies dad came and rescued our musical theatre group in an H3 Hummer so that they could perform on time. The rest of us, however, had to wait. And wait. And wait. BAH BAH BAAHHHHHH!!!!

-see the next entry for more juicy details!

Frosting Fridays

Recently, a new event has been brought to my knowledge. Another arbitrary day of celebration to mark on our calendars. This is not an annual, nor biannual, nor monthly occurrence but once every week there will be a day of rejoice. I feel like these kinds of things are too few and far between and that is why I was so overjoyed when I got the news of "Frosting Fridays." In a nut shell, what happens is you buy a small tub of frosting and a pack of animal crackers and, throughout the day, eat them in all of your classes. You're free to share, in fact, sharing is recommended, even encouraged! Such a simple thing, and yet so wonderful.

I have to give credit where credit is due so I would like to accredit Jonathan Ling with the distinction of being the man who introduced me to this glorious end of the work week celebration. And to go even further back in the books, Jon told me that a friend of his, from a school I am currently forgetting, who has since graduated and is currently attending college was the originator of this great day. So, thank you, random college sophomore, for enlightening us all.

Although I have not personally fully committed myself to a Frosting Friday, due to forgetfulness, I have been offered me some frosting covered animal crackers by none other than Jon Ling and they were delightful. I have high hopes for this day that I will hopefully be participating in sometime in the near future, but for now I would like to discuss days like this in general. If you don't know what I mean by that, then you're dumb. Just kidding, I got kind of tired and really lazy there so I just sort of typed the first thing that came to mind. Well, enough of this inner monologue to help put words down onto the screen and let's get down to brass tax. Damn it, did it again. But for real, there are far too few fun days like Frosting Fridays. I suppose it is because we can't have too many, or really more than probably two a week, or it'd just be over kill. But still, I never hear of these fun weekly or monthly, whatever period of time-ly occurrences nearly enough. I would like to hear of these fun occurrences more often so get cracking on it world, come up with some fun days to brighten everybody's lives.

To Steal or Not to Steal

I was having a conversation with a good pal of mine, we'll give him an obviously fictitious name so as to maintain anonymity, Alosha, and we were discussing how crazy it would be for somebody from an impoverished country to walk into a grocery store and see all of these different foods in such an expansive spread that they have never seen before. They would more than likely just start to eat and eat until their bellies were full and probably take some for later because people are instinctively driven to survive in any way possible. You don't see African tribes resist killing a lion for a meal because of morality, no, A) they take pride in killing the lion in the first place but B) all they care about is surviving. Where this is all leading  is the crazy fact that there are starving people on the streets who restrain themselves from stealing food even though it might kill them.

Of course this does happen, people stealing food when they can't afford it, but not nearly as often as you would image it could. If every time somebody didn't have the money to buy sufficient food for their family they stole, we would be hearing about this occurrence constantly and it would become a huge problem. However, our society has laws and morals that define our actions and, fortunately, stealing is not socially acceptable. The only problem is, sometimes the word of the law and the spirit of the law can contradict each other. Laws are created to create order in society and to make sure all citizens can enjoy a just life, but if someone has no other means to survive than to break the law, what happens then? We have engrained so deep in our society to obey laws and be a good citizen that now people are dying while obeying the laws rather than standing out again what is legal for the benefit of surviving. 

As evidence of this, or a similar situation, in real life, I have a story about an ex-Alcatraz inmate who, when he was set free from prison, had no clue how to function in society. He didn't know how to hold a job, had very little education and therefore was struggling to survive. Instead of trying to get his life back on track, he instead violated his parole so that he could go back to prison where he could at least have a roof over his head and something to eat until his days would end.

It's a bit of a loaded question, whether or not to steal and survive or obey and meet demise, and a number of people choose not to. Whether they are ashamed of what people will think of them or just scared to steal, many people do the morally correct thing and instead wait for opportunity, or death, rather than satisfying their immediate urge to live. Kinda fucked up.

The Biggest Travesty In All of American History

I have previously mentioned my admiration for speech competitions. I love the atmosphere, the people, the performances and everything in between. Well, my view of speech performances and the world itself has been turned on its head recently. My confidence and security has been shaken to its core, and I'm not sure if I will ever recover.

Let's travel back to that fateful day, Saturday February, 4th at 12:20 PM, when it all began. We were at Washington high school at the state speech competition. I had performed earlier in the day, a poor showing, and had received two I ratings and a II. It was upsetting, but it was deserved. Now I was able to redeem myself in improv and there was a good chance that I could All-State. Before I knew it we were drawing situations and our planning had begun. Shane, Andrew, and I were scrambling for a topic and Shane confidently chose his and we stepped back to brainstorm. The topic drawn was something closely along the lines of "Singing the blues, but you are too happy." We came up with a twist, being that we were on the show Blue's Clues, and the premise was that we would start out singing, and then be bombarded by all of the different characters from the show like Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper, the Handy-Dandy Notebook, and the Mailbox. Granted, it was a fairly twisted plot but that was part of what made the whole thing so funny. By the end of our improv we had members of the audience in tears and we were recieved with an uproar at the finale of our performence. We then stepped out into the hall to be congratulated and accept the compliments of friends, family, and several complete strangers. It was an exhilerating feeling and I couldn't be more confident in our ability to get a straight I rating and unanimously move on to all state. That's where I went wrong.

After my high faded away and I was finally able to, with all of my performances over with, wander about and watch the various other acts. I wasn't too woried about our ratings because, as I said, the improv was a hit and there was really no reason for there to be a doubt in my mind. However, destiny had a different plan. Destiny came dressed that day as an old, cinical woman named Roberta Alnamy. As it turns out, Roberta found our twist to be unappealing and that it strayed a little too far from the cookie-cutter-improv I am sure she is so fond of. To put it bluntly, she gave us a II. I knew that the scenario had to have been a part of her judgement but I was also interested in what else she had found wrong with the improv, because surely no person would ever assign a two rating with only a single criticism? Nope. She would. When I finally read her ballot I was shocked to find that the lone criticism was of the fact that we strayed from the situation. Because of one woman's close-mindedness, it is possible the one of the, if not the, best improv groups in the state will not advance to the all-state competition. This is why the ballot of Roberta Alnamy is the biggest travesty in all of American history and she herself is the most putrid woman to walk the face of the earth.

Above is an accurate depiction of the grimmace that permanently occupies Ms. Alnamy's grotesque face.



Ya Bread is Good

People love desserts, pastries, and all the different kinds of tasty treats. There’s no doubt about it. This sugar-obsessed society has only led more and more complicated delicacies over the years like death by chocolate or white chocolate raspberry truffle cheesecake. Of course, they are delicious and I can’t say that I don’t enjoy them myself, but sometimes they just seem like too much. Though, through the years there has been a race of baked goods that has withheld its integrity and maintained the simplicity that makes it so darn fantastic. These “wonder breads” are as follow: zucchini bread, pumpkin bread, banana bread, and their second cousin, blueberry bread.

There is something wonderful about a fresh loaf of, really, any of these. Right when they come out of the oven their aroma fills the house with love. After letting your loaf of, let’s say, banana bread cool down just enough you cut off the first heel. It is best to eat this part of the bread as soon as possible so that they don’t harden and you can enjoy them while still soft and warm. Another option you are presented with at this point is whether or not to spread butter on your slice. It really depends on your mood; if you’re feeling a little daring then go for it, but if you’d really just like to savor the flavor of the bread itself and not overcomplicate things then go ahead and leave it naked, this is the route I most often take. No matter how you take it, you are always pretty much required to take it down with a cool glass of milk. Nothing compliments it better or refreshes you more.

The really great thing about the ZPBB breads is that they can be eaten at any point throughout the day. Whether you fancy a quick bite to eat in the morning before you rush out the door or a mid-afternoon snack, they are perfect. Perhaps a bit crumbly and messy, but if you keep the crumbs they serve as a great last hoorah for your meal of champions. Also, another perk to keeping your ZPBB breads, preferably in aluminum foil, is that their “crust,” for lack of a better term, on the top becomes this type of glaze that makes every bite that much more satisfying. Although there are so many things you can do with desserts now a days, I still firmly believe that a generous slice of blueberry bread, maybe even with a little cinnamon glaze, out does them all. 

Just Do It

So, recently, I was in the hallway, standing by my locker after school, as I usually do before I go home, talking with some friends. We all typically meet up there and talk, as we're a pretty tight knit group! But on this day, our friend brought up the fact that her chamber choir teacher wouldn't be at class and that they would have a substitute. The other three of us jokingly suggested that the we go with her to class and pretend like we were in the choir and sing along. Weellll we did it.

When we walked in several minutes late, the whole class snickered. We randomly grabbed folders so as to fit in with the rest of the students and sat down at random. We knew most of the people in there so it was a really fun time. I actually sang along with the rest of the class even when I didn't know the lyrics, which was all of the time. By the end of class we were dancing along with the music singing "Walk-Ing - On - The - Green - Grass!!!" It was a great time and has turned out to be a great story, although I may have rushed through it this time around.

My point is that that day I took a random chance. I didn't really care what people thought of me or whether or not I would get in trouble, but rather a few friends and I all went in together and acted silly. We weren't concerned with getting caught or in trouble because we knew it would make a great story. And that is what I have taken away from this. Too often people are timid and don't want to do things because they're scared of what might happen if they do. But now, I just say go for it! Because why not? More often than not, you've really got nothing to loose. I like to do things because of the adventure that I might have and the story that will come along with that because I want to be the cool old guy that surprises everybody with his outlandish tales of that bachelor party in vegas where he got married to a stripper, stole a tiger, and counted cards to win $80,000! But for real, I've found that if you do things because of the potential they have to be exiting, you'll have a much more exiting life.